On my own.

The thing about moving away from home is that you leave people behind as well as places. Unintentionally the distance in miles is echoed in the distance of emotional connection. The phone calls and the occasional visits seem to do nothing more than keep the rift open enough to make it fester, no matter how much you really care. And I’m not talking about lovers here, but your friends and family, your favorite aunt or your silly friend or even a much-loved teacher. There seems to be a lot of strain when distance is added, ideas from new places and people, different cultures influencing your day-to-day thought. Influences that the people back at home have no context for. The heartbreak of becoming different from those you love often shows up at the worst times too, usually on a phone call with someone from home, because sometimes you just need someone ‘who knew me when’ and find that instead of being comforted by this loved one you end up yelling at them saying, “I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.”
The change seems to come slowly at first, the authenticity of who you were elsewhere begins to wear off and a new persona is articulating its way into your life. As time goes by, whom you were is overcome by who you’re becoming. Is there really anyway to stop changing when you leave your past life?
But the problem with stopping the change is the stopping itself. This stagnant stop is the most dangerous one: It’s a dying stop, a killing stop; the treachery of the new is nothing compared with the never growing again. Where before, who you were is somewhere still around, when the stopping happens there is nothing even recognizable left. So how do you find a life that authentically remains the new and old you?
I left a lot behind when I left home, a community of love and support to move to a city that is know for deceit. The protection of friends and family cannot come through the airwaves via the phone and no amount of well wishing can be a guardian. But I’m happy here, so how can my sweet side get along with my deceit side?
I have not done so well at finding a way to make the old me and the new me fit together. But I am determined to make it work, to keep what I love about my past and what I love about my present and find a future that makes sense. It will require more thought and awareness on my part, I have not watched where I’ve been walking and in doing so have stepped in shit. The old me is disgusted and reviled and the new me says, “Hey, this happens.” So I will be attentive in my choices and look for the old me as I walk in my new shoes. I might get dirtier then I wish, but at least I’ll have played.