In a city that only sorta sleeps how do you keep up on the beauty rest.? I am asked this question all the time. And here is how I answer it: I like to take cat naps with ambien, it makes for a great story with all the sleep walking and eating and I get rest in the middle of the day when everyone is working. So I really am not missing out on much, except maybe paying my bills, so I'm also on the look out for creative ways to make money, I thought maybe about donating my body to science and seeing if I could get an advance on the actual delivery, cause I still got a lot of living to do.
Watch my new talk show with David Tieck and Eliza DeAngeles on Fridays before you go out for the evening!!
http://www.justin.tv/ok_intriguing
Monday, April 5, 2010
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Choosey Choosers Choose.
I rarely know what I want and I really know what I want. I don’t know what man I want, but I do know I want strawberry ice cream with fresh raspberries while I’m figuring that out. I call this confused bi-polar process my life. There are times when I can make what I call “Executive Decisions” where I take charge and make things happen. Then there are other times I just want to be told who, what, where and when. Don’t get me wrong it can be fun to be the girl who’s in the know and has all the answers to every question, but sometimes I just feel confused about life and what I’m doing. Even though I like to take charge of the wheel there are still times I enjoy being a passenger.
But there must be a time when we each take hold of the reins and create our path, leaving behind the other choices. In making just one, we commit ourselves to that road until its’ completion or a divulging path reveals itself for another choice to be made. However, if we choose this road less traveled is never an easy one, and at times the fear of failure is bitterly daunting. Could Frost have been wrong in his choice? Is fear enough to keep us in the status quo? Can it be used for our betterment, or will it stop us dead in our trailblazing tracks?
It seems like the smaller the decision the simpler the choice, but coming to terms with the seemingly overly important big life decisions can be too scary to choose. Some people have their lives clearly laid out and others take a more eclectic approach, such as myself. On the other hand, I find envy creeping into my chaotically arranged life, when I see those who have finished school, who have the perfect job, or home or even at times love. And even though I have some very conservative values I often make very un-conservative choices. So where can I find the balance of taking control and letting go?
A gem of a time to find me most confused about choices is when I’m in fear of making a mistake. Or of choosing too quickly and thus revoking all further choice opportunities. What if there were no mistakes? Could we simply accept that we are who we are and must love ourselves as is? But what price does the ‘as is’ really amount to?
However the calculations figure the result is the same: I’m still me and what I may or may not want is still me too. Embracing the dichotomy of the process can only strengthen my choice whenever I have made it, whether for dating purposes or flavor options. And I believe that in accepting the fact that sometimes I’m not sure of myself, I’ll understand who I am much better. Making the ‘as is’ portion of me, which is all of me, a much more pleasant choice to make.
But there must be a time when we each take hold of the reins and create our path, leaving behind the other choices. In making just one, we commit ourselves to that road until its’ completion or a divulging path reveals itself for another choice to be made. However, if we choose this road less traveled is never an easy one, and at times the fear of failure is bitterly daunting. Could Frost have been wrong in his choice? Is fear enough to keep us in the status quo? Can it be used for our betterment, or will it stop us dead in our trailblazing tracks?
It seems like the smaller the decision the simpler the choice, but coming to terms with the seemingly overly important big life decisions can be too scary to choose. Some people have their lives clearly laid out and others take a more eclectic approach, such as myself. On the other hand, I find envy creeping into my chaotically arranged life, when I see those who have finished school, who have the perfect job, or home or even at times love. And even though I have some very conservative values I often make very un-conservative choices. So where can I find the balance of taking control and letting go?
A gem of a time to find me most confused about choices is when I’m in fear of making a mistake. Or of choosing too quickly and thus revoking all further choice opportunities. What if there were no mistakes? Could we simply accept that we are who we are and must love ourselves as is? But what price does the ‘as is’ really amount to?
However the calculations figure the result is the same: I’m still me and what I may or may not want is still me too. Embracing the dichotomy of the process can only strengthen my choice whenever I have made it, whether for dating purposes or flavor options. And I believe that in accepting the fact that sometimes I’m not sure of myself, I’ll understand who I am much better. Making the ‘as is’ portion of me, which is all of me, a much more pleasant choice to make.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
On my own.
The thing about moving away from home is that you leave people behind as well as places. Unintentionally the distance in miles is echoed in the distance of emotional connection. The phone calls and the occasional visits seem to do nothing more than keep the rift open enough to make it fester, no matter how much you really care. And I’m not talking about lovers here, but your friends and family, your favorite aunt or your silly friend or even a much-loved teacher. There seems to be a lot of strain when distance is added, ideas from new places and people, different cultures influencing your day-to-day thought. Influences that the people back at home have no context for. The heartbreak of becoming different from those you love often shows up at the worst times too, usually on a phone call with someone from home, because sometimes you just need someone ‘who knew me when’ and find that instead of being comforted by this loved one you end up yelling at them saying, “I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.”
The change seems to come slowly at first, the authenticity of who you were elsewhere begins to wear off and a new persona is articulating its way into your life. As time goes by, whom you were is overcome by who you’re becoming. Is there really anyway to stop changing when you leave your past life?
But the problem with stopping the change is the stopping itself. This stagnant stop is the most dangerous one: It’s a dying stop, a killing stop; the treachery of the new is nothing compared with the never growing again. Where before, who you were is somewhere still around, when the stopping happens there is nothing even recognizable left. So how do you find a life that authentically remains the new and old you?
I left a lot behind when I left home, a community of love and support to move to a city that is know for deceit. The protection of friends and family cannot come through the airwaves via the phone and no amount of well wishing can be a guardian. But I’m happy here, so how can my sweet side get along with my deceit side?
I have not done so well at finding a way to make the old me and the new me fit together. But I am determined to make it work, to keep what I love about my past and what I love about my present and find a future that makes sense. It will require more thought and awareness on my part, I have not watched where I’ve been walking and in doing so have stepped in shit. The old me is disgusted and reviled and the new me says, “Hey, this happens.” So I will be attentive in my choices and look for the old me as I walk in my new shoes. I might get dirtier then I wish, but at least I’ll have played.
The change seems to come slowly at first, the authenticity of who you were elsewhere begins to wear off and a new persona is articulating its way into your life. As time goes by, whom you were is overcome by who you’re becoming. Is there really anyway to stop changing when you leave your past life?
But the problem with stopping the change is the stopping itself. This stagnant stop is the most dangerous one: It’s a dying stop, a killing stop; the treachery of the new is nothing compared with the never growing again. Where before, who you were is somewhere still around, when the stopping happens there is nothing even recognizable left. So how do you find a life that authentically remains the new and old you?
I left a lot behind when I left home, a community of love and support to move to a city that is know for deceit. The protection of friends and family cannot come through the airwaves via the phone and no amount of well wishing can be a guardian. But I’m happy here, so how can my sweet side get along with my deceit side?
I have not done so well at finding a way to make the old me and the new me fit together. But I am determined to make it work, to keep what I love about my past and what I love about my present and find a future that makes sense. It will require more thought and awareness on my part, I have not watched where I’ve been walking and in doing so have stepped in shit. The old me is disgusted and reviled and the new me says, “Hey, this happens.” So I will be attentive in my choices and look for the old me as I walk in my new shoes. I might get dirtier then I wish, but at least I’ll have played.
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